“I am so scared God.”  That was my exact words to God in a recent prayer.

It’s funny how you can be in completely different situations, yet have the same conversation with God.  It’s a great reminder that we are never too far or too close to God to be humbled before Him.  About a year ago I was praying the exact same thing.

My recent prayer wasn’t because things in my life were bad, in fact they are really good.  I am engaged and I absolutely love going to work everyday and I’m leading an incredible group of about 130 people called Stretch.  My life is amazing.

My prayer came because the next season of my career was happening and I was about to embark on a completely new journey.  My life was too good to suddenly change.

But I decided a while back that what I wanted for me wasn’t going to cut it.  My life story only has one author on the cover and it’s not Wes Howard.

So I found myself in the middle of my room crying my eyes out once again and telling God that I was scared.  The next morning I went running to clear my head.  I wanted to spend some time talking with God to sort it all out and at about mile 4 I was gently reminded that it was OK to be scared.

As of today, (August 26th) I have accepted the position of Middle School pastor at LifePoint Church in Smyrna, TN.  I’m excited for this next step in my ministry.  I’m excited to be able to pour into these kids lives and teach them Biblical truths that have become evident in my life. I’m excited that the love of my life gets to stay in the church that changed her life. I’m pumped to get started.

But I am also sad.  Cross Point gave me a chance when no one else would.  Pete Wilson saw something in me and mentored me for a year.  I have never been around more genuine, passionate people who live out what they preach.  I learned so much by just watching the way they love their families, strangers and most importantly, God.  I am leaving a family.

You know what’s cool about kingdom of God though?  We are all family and there’s another family in Smyrna ready to welcome me in.

So that’s my big news.  New job, new church, getting married and buying a house all within 1 month of each other.  Throw one up for me!

I was going through some files on my computer and I stumbled upon one called, “Journal.”  I thought it was strange since I don’t keep a formal journal, so I clicked on it.  It was a letter that I wrote to myself almost a year ago when I was going through a rough time. I barely remember writing it, but reading it broke me.  What an amazing reminder of what can happen when you are committed to letting God write your story.

Dear Wes,

I wanted to write you this letter to remind you of some things.  I don’t know where you are in life or what challenges and surprises have come your way, but I do know how you got there.  [..]

“One of my close friends is an amazing photographer. We have got to use him for our wedding pictures,” I said confidently to Amy as we were sitting down to do some wedding planning.

“Well, one of my best friends, Kate, is an amazing photographer and I’ve always wanted to use her,” she snapped back.

Uh oh. After looking at both of their websites, we were still in a gridlock. We were “over-blessed.” In the end, I deferred to my beautiful bride to be (lesson I have quickly learned) and let her make the decision. We would use my close friend for the wedding and her friend Kate for the engagement pictures since she wanted Kate to be in the wedding. [..]

An empty room.  That’s all that is left in the place that I called home for the past 2 1/2 years.  Yeah, I know that’s not an extremely long time, but it is long enough to be sentimental!

For example, that’s the house my “marked change” happened.  It’s also the place where I first told my fiance that I loved her and if you want to be sick even more, our first kiss.  So I have a right to look at the empty rooms of that house and want to hold on to it a little longer. [..]

If you need to catch up, here is Part 1 and Part 2

I got a call from Jenni Catron at Cross Point. She had a wild idea for an experiment. The experiment has now become permanent as I learn ministry firsthand by assisting Pete Wilson on a day to day basis. I’m learning something new everyday and am amazed at the journey God has taken me on. I am so thankful for where God has me and where he is going to take me.

My journey came full circle for me the other day as I was reading Francis Chan’s new book Forgotten God. In it he tells this story:

I recently had dinner in Seoul, Korea, with an amazing man. He was one of the twenty-three missionaries who were held hostage by the Taliban in Afghanistan in July 2007. For those who don’t recall the story, the Taliban executed two of the missionaries before a deal was reached with the government of South Korea and the missionaries were released.

This man told me about the horrors of being locked up in a cell, knowing that martyrdom was a strong possibility. He also shared about the amazing time they had on the last day they were all imprisoned together. Each of the twenty-three missionaries surrendered their lives to God that night and told Him they were willing to die for His glory. There was even an argument over who would get to die first. One of them had a small Bible that the missionaries secretly ripped into twenty-three pieces so each could glance at Scripture when no one was watching.

One of the most fascinating things this man told me was about what has happened since. Now that they have been back in Seoul for a while, several team members have asked him, “Don’t you wish we were still there?” He tells me that several of them experienced a deep kind of intimacy with God in the prison cell that they haven’t been able to recapture in their comfort.

The words “Don’t you wish we were still there?” resonated with me. My journey was painful, scary and control-less, but I miss it. I experienced an intimacy with God that I never had before and I find myself thinking back on it and missing that time in my life. When I had no certainty, no illusion of control, no idea of what was next…when I had nothing…I had God. And that was enough.

If you are going through a rough time or you are scared to death of what’s next, let me encourage you to take time to enjoy it. Let God develop that intimacy with you that will draw you closer to him as he guides you down your journey.

I gotta be honest. I am jealous of you. I remember days waking up with tears coming down my face and getting on my knees and saying the most humbling words you can say, “I have nothing to offer…only my faith. Stretch me, guide me, love me, draw me closer to you today.” Then face the day and count it all joy.

One day you will look back and be amazed at the work God did in you during that time… and you will miss it.