“Hey, Peter.” “Oh, hey Wes.” (Then we shake hands) We both feel confident and sure about the conversation that is about to happen.

Then one day, someone somewhere decided that a simple handshake wasn’t enough and thus began the evolution of the man-shake. I don’t know who decides when the handshake needs to change, but it is universal. One day we are shaking hands and the next we are doing a version of a secret handshake that we did as kids.

First up was the handshake to arm wrestling maneuver. You start with a handshake and then immediately move to an arm wrestling position.

Then one day it became cool to add on to this. The next step was to do the handshake to arm wrestling to sliding your hands against each other until your fingertips touch, gripping them together.  That sounds weird. Then when that wasn’t enough we added a snap at the end. Yes, a snap.

Handshake to arm wrestling position to sliding hands together to gripping the fingertips to snapping.  And this was perfectly normal.

Thankfully the powers that be decided that we were getting a little too weird with the handshake and took a step back. They decided to start with the handshake and still go to the arm wrestling position but now we pull each other into a half hug. 1 or 2 pats is acceptable but can be a little awkward.

This seemed to be the norm for quite a while. We even started going straight to the arm wrestling position to half hug after a while, totally eliminating the handshake all together.

The problem with all this is that no one knows which version of the man-shake you are going to do and it gets awkward. It’s awkward when someone wants to do the arm wrestling maneuver and you are wanting a regular handshake. The worst, however, is when you go in for the arm wrestling half hug and the person was expecting a handshake. You end up with a man’s hand pointing you in the lower stomach while you are patting him on the back 1 or 2 times. I won’t even get into how many times the person looked at me blankly after a handshake/arm wrestling/gripping fingertips snap shake and then tried to snap 5 seconds after the shake was over.

It just gets awkward. Now, you have to make your intentions known well before hand. Like 4 or 5 steps ahead of time. Hold your arm up in the arm wrestling position to let it be known that a man hug is coming. If you really know the person you have to hold both arms out wide letting it be known its time for the intimate real hug.

I’m sure we look ridiculous walking with our arms up or out just waiting to embrace, but that’s the reality of our awkward world. I would rather look stupid than go through awkward moment of when both men offer up different handshakes. It’s the same thing of when you are trying to get out of the way of a stranger. You keep stepping the same direction and at some point one of you has to standstill while the other awkwardly passes.

Thankfully we have started moving towards the “fist bump.”  Just hold a fist out and that lets the other person know, “Whoa, this relationship is not at the man hug level yet. This guy really doesn’t even want to touch me. Just bump knuckles.” This is all well and good, but I don’t want to offend my friends with the fist bump.  I do want to show them love, but not at the risk of feeling their helpless hand being stuck at my waistband while mine is stuck in between their man boobs.  It’s just awkward.

Being a man is tough.

Any horror stories of trying to say hello?

I am going to let you in on a little secret: As a kid, I was very self-conscious. I used to HATE it when someone would say, “You are just skin and bones.” Anger would boil up inside me and I would not speak to that person for an extended period of time. Truth is though, I was. I was skin and bones and not matter how many chili dogs or school pizza I ate, I never would gain a pound.

Once I got to the age where looks started to matter, I noticed it. I was skinny. My calves were no where near as big as my friends. Sitting down, my knees looked like sticks when sitting next to people. Something must be done about this, I remember thinking.

So one day I decided to take things into my own hands. I started wearing sweatpants underneath my church pants. Yep. Sweatpants. I would even wear a sweatshirt underneath my button ups. Now when I sat beside my friends at church, my knees looked almost as big. Never mind the fact that it looked like a pillow, I was “big!” If someone ever blew my cover by seeing the sweatpants, I would just reply that I was cold natured.

The next step was to fix my butt. I didn’t have one, so I came up with the next best thing. I remember begging my mother for a checking account so I could have a checkbook. I would put my wallet in one back pocket and my checkbook in the other. Bam! Problem solved. I had a butt. Now if I could only get arm pit hair. (No, I didn’t fake that)

I look back on it now and it seems ridiculous. I wonder how many people had the conversation, “Why does Wes have sweatpants on underneath his clothes?” I am positive that it did NOT help me with the ladies. I’m not sure when I got out of the phase, but I imagine that the day I did, I got a girlfriend.

Did you do anything ridiculous as a kid to fit in?

The first situation is when I am getting off the phone with someone I don’t normally talk to. It’s just awkward. We both know that it is time to hang up, why does it have to become weird? It usually happens like this:

Me: Ok, well it was good talking to ya.
Not me: Yeah, it was. We will catch up again soon.
Me: Absolutely. Let’s do that.
… … …
Me: Ok, well have a good one.
Not me: You too.
Me: Ok, well talk to ya later.
Not me: Oh yeah ok.
Me: Ok
Not me: Ok
Me: Bye
Not me: yeah..ok..bye

The problem? I am pushing the hang up button when I hear the “yeah ok, bye” part. It makes me feel like they didn’t know a “bye” was coming. It’s not like I sprung it out of nowhere! “Oh yeah, so let me tell you about- BYE!” I would expect the surprise then! I just don’t get it. Why is it so awkward? Do I not set up the goodbye well enough?

I guess I could say, “Well, I am going to let you go”, but then that makes me feel like I have held them captive. “Good news. Your time is up. You can go now. I am letting you go. You are released. Come back now… ya hear?”

There’s just not a good setup to say goodbye. I miss the old days of arguing with my middle school girlfriend over who is hanging up first.

Me: I’m not hanging up first.
Cute girl: Well then we are going to be here a while, cause I’m not!
Me: Me either! I can’t let you go.
Cute girl: I’m not doing it. You have to.
Me: I guess we will just fall asleep together.
Cute girl: ::giggles::
….silence…..
Me: Are you asleep?

So, I apologize to you if I have awkwardly hung up the phone with you. I’m just not good at it. I am willing to get better though.

Any suggestions?